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如題：
你眼裡的我是怎樣的。
然後我可以告訴你，每一個你們看見的我，都祗是戴著不同的面具。
Fall _The Saturdays
Una :
I gave you all you desired
All that you needed
Boy I provided
I let you into my head into my bed
And that’s a privilege
I had your back in the answers
You took the dollars
I took the chances
Defended battled and fought
Cause I really thought you loved me
I don’t know where to start or where to stop (No)
But I know I am done I’ve had enough
The Saturdays :
So fall, out of my head out of my heart
And when you hit the ground
Una :
You’ll be sorry that I’m not around
I will watch while you
The Saturdays :
Fall out of your mind out of your fantasy
When you hit the wall think of me
Una :
I’ll be on the top just watching you fall
Vanessa :
You said that you were the strong one
I was the girl and I was the young one
I kept your feet on the ground
My head in the rounds, I had you
You told me you were so grateful
I was with you and I was so faithful
I stood by in all that you said
And all that you dared, I loved you
Vanessa Along With Frankie :
I don’t know how to act or what to say
Vanessa :
But I know I am good I’ll be OK
And you
The Saturdays :
Fall, out of my head, out of my heart
And when you hit the ground
You’ll be sorry that I’m not around
I will watch you while you
You fall out of your mind, out of your fantasy
When you hit the wall think of me
Vanessa :
I’ll be on the top just watching you fall
I’ll be on the top, just watching you fall
The Saturdays :
Fall, fall, fall, fall
Frankie :
Haaa
The Saturdays :
Fall, fall
Vanessa :
I want you to fall..........
The Saturdays :
Fall out of my head out of my heart
And when you hit the ground
You’ll be sorry that I’m not around
I will watch you while you Fall out of your mind out of your fantasy
When you hit the wall think of me
Vanessa :
Think of me yeah
The Saturdays :
I’ll be on the top, just watching you
[Fall,Fall,Fall]
Fall, out of my head, out of my heart
And when you hit the ground
You’ll be sorry that I’m not around
I will watch you
[Fall,Fall,Fall]
Fall out of your mind, out of your fantasy
When you hit the wall, think of me
Vanessa :
I’ll be on the top, just watching you fall -
Winter Sleep。2009-05-08 | 「伽藍。」
聽著NANA一些原聲歌曲的時候，突然想起堆疊在家裡一摞CD，很多的動漫歌曲，CardCapter 櫻、數碼暴龍、水果籃子、小魔女DOREMI，還有Jay Chou，X’Japan，許哲佩的氣球。想起很久沒有在家裡的cd機子插入這些小光碟，很陌生。
以前會很enjoy這樣一種方式：家裡祗有我（最多加個老媽），找個地方有陽光又有風的角落擺張桌子，挑幾張突然很想聽的cd，然後一個下午做作業。偶爾走走神，偶爾和竄出來的貓咪玩一玩。桌子上計畫要做的作業總是會疊出高高的一堆書和練習冊，然後每次都從整整齊齊的樣子最後被翻得亂糟糟，直到桌面被鋪滿，作業也還沒有做完。
搬家之後4年，離開汕頭3年，已經分不清是自己變得多還是家裡變得更多。貓咪都不在了，電視不常看了，收音機也很少再打開，桌子因為鐵銹侵蝕也因為年月太長久終於被棄置，我還記得以前會趴一個下午甚至一天，就爲了畫一點小漫畫。媽媽不做手工活也不用去工廠受氣，就不用勞神，哥會整年不在家或者應該是說，我們會整年見不到一面，老爸呢，開始會跟我講一講家裡的小計畫，談一些事情。
回家的時間越來越少，也越來越短。站著蹲著的時間都要比坐著的時間長，因為不會再趴在桌子前做作業，不畫畫了，也沒有貓咪會主動來蹭蹭腳了。所以即使播放著昔日很喜歡的cd，用僅有的零用錢買來的正版，也不再有那樣一種特別珍貴的感覺。
When we grow up.
這個時候我依舊戴著耳機，凌晨一個人敲打著鍵盤。大概是這3年做最多的事情，很宅。想過很多次，想買套音箱，可以一邊聽聽歌，讓自己的耳朵有空間釋放。想了很多次，還是作罷。冠冕一點的理由是：咱不能污染宿舍的聲音環境，雖然有2個不厚道的依然我行我素的傢伙。事實上很清楚，需要自己一個人的時間和空間，耳機就是個好道具。人為的天然的隔絕這十幾平米裏面擁擠的另外3個人的同時，縮小自己的存在感。不曉得最初是誰定下的大學必須是集體生活，還是在這樣狹小的空間，結果令人更加的局促和不安。然後這段註定祗會是插曲的生活在過去大半之後，我還是始終選擇一個人和深夜。
關鍵字是：狹小，局促，不安。
這段時期很漫長。持續的壓抑，易怒，神經敏感，脆弱，懷疑，不自信，沉默，健忘，無節制，生活沒有計畫節奏混亂，身體狀況欠佳。常常無來由的難過的哭泣，想念過去，想回家。又發現埋藏在過去的那些日子，有那麼多的不愉快。窘迫的回到現實，又被曲解、被忽視、辛苦的努力付諸流水、被肩上的擔子壓得有些喘不過氣。朋友分崩離析，於是倉皇，卻無處可逃。
家，一中，百欣，一花一草，一砂一石，一景一物，一人一事。全部濃縮成一團模糊，掉落在記憶裡的一座孤島，漸行漸遠。追尋，卻不斷被腳下的現實絆倒，一次又一次。
今天發覺，最後一篇發佈的日誌已經是一個月以前。期間也有嘗試過寫一些什麽，祗是很費力，寥寥幾行便停滯不前。祗得沉默。
I tried to find out the problem,but failed on and on.
Tears flow and I wanna cry out loud.Can you hear me out there now?
How come everything turns so down.
Everyone is silent,they’re silent.Everyone is smiling,they’re smiling..It pushes me fall over away.
I can’t understand,everything is blue.
Anyone out there hear me now?
Will you hold me now..
-
「Vacancy」
作詞 Kylee 作曲 nature living
歌 Kylee
no one wants to wake up,to an empty home
no one ever wants to,be alone
it's not so easy to let them go
the ones
that you love
now that you gone
who will make me smile?
who will pick me up when i fall down?
who will be there tell me right from wrong?
i regret
letting you go
i have this vacancy in my heart
there's just something that's always tearing me apart
i don't know why i ever let you go
now there's no one to bear
with me
everyday i wake up thinkin it'll be ok
cuz you promised me that you'd come back someday
my heart is throbbing but i will wait
and i'll try
to stay stong
and i will always miss you
but i can't take it anymore
what if you're that one they say
that passed away oh no
i have this vacancy in my heart
there's just something that's always tearing me apart
i don't know why i ever let you go
now there's no one to bear
with me
and i miss you
and i love you
and i will hold on
and i know there's a chance
that you'll come back oh ooh oh
and i dream of the day that you'll come back home
and i hope that you know
i have this vacancy in my heart
there's just something that's always tearing me apart
i don't know why i ever let you go
now there's no one to bear
with me
i have this vacancy in my heart
there's just something that's always tearing me apart
i don't know why i ever let you go
now there's no one to bear
with me
bear with me
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12.07。jlpt-1。
很多人知道我要赴考，至少不知道時間，也知道有這回事。回想起來報名已經是將近半年前的事情，時間流轉似乎我們渾然不知，然後想或沒想那一天就這樣臨近我們眼前了。明天，後天。
計劃是周六下午或者傍晚出發去大學城，小住泠的宿舍，然後第二天清早搭381或是382前往廣外的考場。入場是08:30am，09:00am正式开考，時間持續大抵200mins左右，中途有休息。想想其實是相當累人的一場考試。還要準備一點乾糧飲品以備中途有飢渴之需。
複習尚且沒有完成，我并沒有100%的把握。
晚飯的時候突然想起自己的中考和高考，是陰影還是其他都罷，只是會記得每次大考之前突如其來的怯懦感。戀坐在對面，吃飯的時候話很多，只是沒有察覺抬起頭看著她氣定神閑的臉的我，心裡是有那么一點點畏縮的。希望有意外的鼓勵，有人來告訴我些什麽，這樣也許不會覺得自己是孤軍作戰，不會懷疑自己。至少，知道還是有人會不經意關心著留意著一個倔強孩子內心的小小軟弱。
這樣想著的時候心情壓抑，也有寂寞。前途，是越分越細的樹木枝椏，我害怕的是最後只剩1個人。而12月之後，我們的前路南轅北轍。
祝我好運。
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2年了。將近。
我的圈子一直是這幫人，從來沒想過自己會被冠以「插班生」的光榮稱號。
何況以這樣的方式存在於這群人之間?
我想我始終努力在維繫著經營著填寫著這一段小故事，盡力不落下任何一個人。
我想我付出的不算少不算多，但至少值得被提起被記得。
Cand 說「我们都已经计划好了，你怎么好像外星来的」
彬 說「你也要加入我们？」
蚊 說「多一个不多，一向你都是当惯了插班生的了」
And this is where i belong to。
我們我們我們，你們你們你們。我終歸只是我，卻不是你們。
算了吧。算了。
如果只是「插班生」，請允許我退學。
4Leaf_klov。╭æ
祗在印象中成為...真實。
